In honor of the most romantic day of the year, please enjoy this Victorian etiquette between husbands and wives.
Excerpted from an 1891 advice manual, this list will appear in my upcoming book,
True Ladies and Proper Gentlemen.
Excerpted from an 1891 advice manual, this list will appear in my upcoming book,
True Ladies and Proper Gentlemen.
Etiquette Between Husbands and Wives
Let the rebuke be preceded by a kiss.
***
Do not require a request to be repeated.
***
Never should both be angry at the same time.
***
Never neglect the other, for all the world beside.
***
Let each strive to always accomodate the other.
***
Let the angry word be answered only with a kiss.
***
Bestow your warmest sympathies in each other's trials.
***
Make your criticism in the most loving manner possible.
***
Make no display of the sacrifices you make for each other.
***
Never make a remark calculated to bring ridicule upon the other.
***
Never deceive; confidence, once lost, can never be wholly regained.
***
Always use the most gentle and loving words when addressing each other.
***
Let each study what pleasures can be bestowed upon the other during the day.
***
Always leave home with a tender goodbye and loving words. They may be the last.
***
Consult and advise together in all that comes within the experience and sphere of individuality.
***
Never reproach the other for an error which was done with a good motive and with the best judgement at the time.
***
The Wife's Duty
Never should a wife display her best conduct, her accomplishments, her smiles, and her best nature, exclusively away from home.
***
Be careful in your purchases. Let your husband know what you buy, and that you have wisely expended your money.
***
Let no wife devote a large portion of her time to society-work which shall keep her away from home daytimes and evenings, without the full concurrence of her husband.
***
Beware of entrusting the confidence of your household to outside parties. The moment you discuss the faults of your husband with another, that moment an element of discord has been admitted which will one day rend your family circle.
***
If in moderate circumstances, do not be over ambitious to make an expensive display in your rooms. With your own work you can embellish at a cheap price, and yet very handsomely, if you have taste. Let the adornings of your private rooms be largely the work of your own hands.
***
Beware of bickering about little things... What matters it where a picture hangs, or a flower-vase may sit.
***
Be always careful of your conduct and language. A husband is largely restrained by the chastity, purity and refinement of his wife. A lowering of dignity, a looseness of expression and vulgarity of words, may greatly lower the standards of the husband's purity of speech.
***
Whatever may have been the cares of the day, greet your husband with a smile when he returns.
***
Be careful that you do not estimate your husband solely by his ability to make display. The nature of his employment, in comparison with others, may not be favorable for fine show, but that should matter not. The superior qualities of mind and heart alone will bring permanent happiness.
***
To have a cheerful, pleasant home awaiting the husband is not all... A man does not alone require that his wife be a good housekeeper. She must be more; in conversational talent and general accomplishment she must be a companion.
***
The Husband's Duty
A very grave responsibility has the man assumed in his marriage. Doting parents have confided to his care the welfare of a loved daughter, and a trusting woman has risked all her future happiness in his keeping. Largely will it depend upon him whether her pathway shall be strewn with thorns or roses.
***
Let your wife understand fully your business. In nearly every case she will be found a most valuable advisor when she understands all your circumstances.
***
Do not be dictatorial in the family circle. The home is the wife's province. It is her natural field of labor. It is her right to govern and direct its interior management. You would not expect her to come to your shop, your office, your store or your farm, to give orders how your work should be conducted; neither should you interfere with the duties which legitimately belong to her.
***
If a dispute arises, dismiss the subject with a kind word, and do not seek to carry your point by discussion. It is a glorious achievement to master one's own temper. You may discover that you are in error, and if your wife is wrong, she will gladly, in cooler moments, acknowledge the fault.
***
Having confided to the wife all your business affairs, determine with her what your income will be in the coming year. Afterwards ascertain what your household expenses will necessarily be, and then set aside a weekly sum, which should regularly and invariably be paid the wife at a stated time. Let this sum be even more than enough, so that the wife can pay all bills, and have the satisfaction besides of accumulating a fund of her own, with which she can exercise a spirit of independence in the bestowal of charity, the purchase of a gift, or any article she may desire. You may be sure that the wife will very seldom use the money unwisely, if the husband gives her entire confidence.
***
[M]atters that would be of little concern to you may weigh heavily on her. She needs, therefore, your tenderest approval, your sympathy and gentle advice. When her efforts are crowned with success, be sure that you give her praise. Few husbands realize how happy the wife is made by the knowledge that her efforts and her merits are appreciated.
***
Endeavor to regulate your household affairs that all the faculties of the mind shall have due cultivation. There should be a time for labor, and a time for recreation. There should be cultivation of the social nature, and there should be attention given to the spiritual. The wife should not be required to lead a life of drudgery. Matters should be so regulated that she may early finish her labors of the day; and the good husband will so control his business that he may be able to accompany his wife to various places of amusement and entertainment. Thus the intellectual will be provided for, and the social qualities be kept continually exercised.
***
Give your wife every advantage which it is possible to bestow.
***
Possibly the wife in social position, intellectual equipment, and very likely in moral worth, may be the superior to her husband. It is equally necessary, therefore, that the husband put forth every effort to make himself worthy of his companion. It is a terrible burden to impose on a wife to compel her to go through life with a man whom she cannot love or respect.
***
Let the rebuke be preceded by a kiss.
***
Do not require a request to be repeated.
***
Never should both be angry at the same time.
***
Never neglect the other, for all the world beside.
***
Let each strive to always accomodate the other.
***
Let the angry word be answered only with a kiss.
***
Bestow your warmest sympathies in each other's trials.
***
Make your criticism in the most loving manner possible.
***
Make no display of the sacrifices you make for each other.
***
Never make a remark calculated to bring ridicule upon the other.
***
Never deceive; confidence, once lost, can never be wholly regained.
***
Always use the most gentle and loving words when addressing each other.
***
Let each study what pleasures can be bestowed upon the other during the day.
***
Always leave home with a tender goodbye and loving words. They may be the last.
***
Consult and advise together in all that comes within the experience and sphere of individuality.
***
Never reproach the other for an error which was done with a good motive and with the best judgement at the time.
***
The Wife's Duty
Never should a wife display her best conduct, her accomplishments, her smiles, and her best nature, exclusively away from home.
***
Be careful in your purchases. Let your husband know what you buy, and that you have wisely expended your money.
***
Let no wife devote a large portion of her time to society-work which shall keep her away from home daytimes and evenings, without the full concurrence of her husband.
***
Beware of entrusting the confidence of your household to outside parties. The moment you discuss the faults of your husband with another, that moment an element of discord has been admitted which will one day rend your family circle.
***
If in moderate circumstances, do not be over ambitious to make an expensive display in your rooms. With your own work you can embellish at a cheap price, and yet very handsomely, if you have taste. Let the adornings of your private rooms be largely the work of your own hands.
***
Beware of bickering about little things... What matters it where a picture hangs, or a flower-vase may sit.
***
Be always careful of your conduct and language. A husband is largely restrained by the chastity, purity and refinement of his wife. A lowering of dignity, a looseness of expression and vulgarity of words, may greatly lower the standards of the husband's purity of speech.
***
Whatever may have been the cares of the day, greet your husband with a smile when he returns.
***
Be careful that you do not estimate your husband solely by his ability to make display. The nature of his employment, in comparison with others, may not be favorable for fine show, but that should matter not. The superior qualities of mind and heart alone will bring permanent happiness.
***
To have a cheerful, pleasant home awaiting the husband is not all... A man does not alone require that his wife be a good housekeeper. She must be more; in conversational talent and general accomplishment she must be a companion.
***
The Husband's Duty
A very grave responsibility has the man assumed in his marriage. Doting parents have confided to his care the welfare of a loved daughter, and a trusting woman has risked all her future happiness in his keeping. Largely will it depend upon him whether her pathway shall be strewn with thorns or roses.
***
Let your wife understand fully your business. In nearly every case she will be found a most valuable advisor when she understands all your circumstances.
***
Do not be dictatorial in the family circle. The home is the wife's province. It is her natural field of labor. It is her right to govern and direct its interior management. You would not expect her to come to your shop, your office, your store or your farm, to give orders how your work should be conducted; neither should you interfere with the duties which legitimately belong to her.
***
If a dispute arises, dismiss the subject with a kind word, and do not seek to carry your point by discussion. It is a glorious achievement to master one's own temper. You may discover that you are in error, and if your wife is wrong, she will gladly, in cooler moments, acknowledge the fault.
***
Having confided to the wife all your business affairs, determine with her what your income will be in the coming year. Afterwards ascertain what your household expenses will necessarily be, and then set aside a weekly sum, which should regularly and invariably be paid the wife at a stated time. Let this sum be even more than enough, so that the wife can pay all bills, and have the satisfaction besides of accumulating a fund of her own, with which she can exercise a spirit of independence in the bestowal of charity, the purchase of a gift, or any article she may desire. You may be sure that the wife will very seldom use the money unwisely, if the husband gives her entire confidence.
***
[M]atters that would be of little concern to you may weigh heavily on her. She needs, therefore, your tenderest approval, your sympathy and gentle advice. When her efforts are crowned with success, be sure that you give her praise. Few husbands realize how happy the wife is made by the knowledge that her efforts and her merits are appreciated.
***
Endeavor to regulate your household affairs that all the faculties of the mind shall have due cultivation. There should be a time for labor, and a time for recreation. There should be cultivation of the social nature, and there should be attention given to the spiritual. The wife should not be required to lead a life of drudgery. Matters should be so regulated that she may early finish her labors of the day; and the good husband will so control his business that he may be able to accompany his wife to various places of amusement and entertainment. Thus the intellectual will be provided for, and the social qualities be kept continually exercised.
***
Give your wife every advantage which it is possible to bestow.
***
Possibly the wife in social position, intellectual equipment, and very likely in moral worth, may be the superior to her husband. It is equally necessary, therefore, that the husband put forth every effort to make himself worthy of his companion. It is a terrible burden to impose on a wife to compel her to go through life with a man whom she cannot love or respect.
***
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